SUFFERING!

 

 

     This is a short story that I wrote after hearing about a gruesome suicide on the local news a few years ago. This is what I imagined might be going through a person's head as he or she sat looking down at the water far below while clinging to the cold metal railing of a dark and lonely bridge. If people are defeated enough to end their lives, they must be searching for courage to commit that horrendous deed. Too, they are surely having arguments within, while in the back of their minds was a hopeful plea to God for another chance to start fresh. Just like the miracle of conversion to Christ brings a fresh start - a clean slate - a new self.

 

 

Oh, Lord, it's me - again.

This bridge is high and cold,

the wind cuts through my body, grown thin from those life-sucking drugs.

Are you too busy for a talk with this sinner -

this sinner that's on his knees - again?

I just had to talk before I go, before I end it.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Even God doesn't want to talk to me!

People tell me a person can't go any lower than hell,

but, by the way, I'm feeling, they may be wrong.

As you must know, I'd have to climb up to reach worthless.

You must be aware of the fact that I'm loathed by friends, so-called and otherwise.

Ah, yes, let's not forget that I'm so pathetic as to not even have enemies.

You know my style - I've stuffed my life-pockets with good-for-nothing playthings.

Yes, Lord, add the fact that over the years I have mixed my clean spirit with polluted waters.     

Now - life has become purposeless, futile, pointless - all of the above.

There is no denying that I've knowingly fed my soul with sin-infected foods.

Yet - here I am Lord, on my knees talking to you - again!

Yet - here I am Lord, asking not for what I deserve - again!

Yet - here I am Lord, with that last breath you talked about - again!

I guess you know that you are causing me a great deal of distress - not badmouthing - not lecturing.

Yeah, alright, I get you, what I meant is it makes me feel so good.

Uh-uh, no way, I can't put you and me through this again, but I have no other choice but to...

Lord, do you think I could put on a new self?

Lord, do you think I'm worth saving?

Lord, seriously, do you think I can change for real this time?

To be truthful, I just don't know if I can - I'm tired, oh, so tired.

I can hardly get out of bed in the morning.

You might as well hang a vacancy sign on me.

My soul has been vacated.

How did it all come to this?

Seriously, Lord, I don't suppose you would be up to giving me another one-more chance?

Please, Lord, I have no one else to turn to - all my bridges are burned.

You really weren't my last option - I was just too embarrassed, too scared to ask again.

I realize that I'm asking a lot by imploring your forgiveness, much less your Love.

I take full responsibility for letting the evil-one drag my soul through his vile domain.

I'm so sorry for letting him ravage this once-holy temple when I could have simply said, no.

Maybe it would be better for both of us if I would just slink quietly away while I am still able.

Father - why are you so silent?

Your silence intimidates me.

Is your silence saying go away, or has my lifestyle deafened me to your words?

Heh, I think you at long last have washed your hands of me?

How can I blame you?

Oh, come on, you can't turn your back on me.

I plead on my knees to you, the God of the living.

Oh, please, be listening, be here, Lord.

What is wrong with me, Lord!

I cannot hear nor see You! - Am I both blind and deaf?

Ah - once upon a time I was able to see and hear You - to feel you - to pour out my soul to you.

Where and how did I take that wrong turn - away from you?

How did I part ways with you?

Oh, but I did - oh, but this world - but my weaknesses!

I'm becoming melancholy - me.

Am I alone in these - oh, what does it matter, but it does - doesn't it?

I remember long ago during my childhood when at night my Mother made me kneel beside my bed and talk to You?

How fondly, I recall your comforting voice when my room was dark and full of scary shadows on the walls.

Well, Father, there are horrifying shadows surrounding me, now.

Where are you?

The time is rapidly approaching.

The wind - I'm so very cold - the night is chilling me with hopelessness.

Oh, my Lord, where did that simple child go?

Remember, the child you used to speak to?

I can't blame you for casting me away.

In truth, I'm just feeling sorry for myself - I'm good at that - as you know.

At least, I have had a smile on my face for a small-passing moment with these thoughts of You.

They have given me the courage to do at least one good thing for this once-loved world - to rid it of myself.

I'm not backing away from the deed this time.

If you're around Lord, please, turn your face away - I think You too soft to watch.

Quickly, my Lord, I must go before this new-found bravery turns its back on me.

And please, forgive me!

And remember me not as I die, but as that innocent child who lived every day for you - my loving Lord.

Where are you, my Father?

I don't suppose - no - I will be forever obliterated from your sight, for this sin is the icing on the cake.

I can't see you!

If you are this oh-so-powerful God, why can't you say a few simple words before I go away - forever - if you please?

Speak up. I can't hear you.

You know, I sincerely did, do love you.

This is goodbye.

Oh, Father! - What have you done?

What - have you robbed me of even this small act of contrition?

Who's this bleeding-heart telling me I'm loved and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong?

Who have you sent to spoil the one good act I was capable of?

Who is this thief trying to rob me of ending this pain?

Lord, once again I have turned you from more noble deeds.

I beg your forgiveness.

I know my past promises, but this time I'll make good use of this last chance.

But, out of all this, Father, I now know - you still hear me - you still love me.

After all, isn't that what I wanted - needed?

Father, I thank you, love you, hear you, and feel you - once more.

After all, isn't that what you wanted?